lately, i have been sitting here thinking about how nice it was when i was in high school and writing was a stress relief for me; i would sit down at the computer mostly on Friday nights around 11pm or so and would just write whatever i was thinking about for an hour but at the most it was two hours, i would look up and two hours would have gone by and i would bemoan the fact that i had to work at 9am in the morning so i needed to go to bed and therefore i would save my work (about a page or two of creation) and then crawl under the covers and wake up seven hours later to get ready for making money at the CVS/pharmacy two mins away. i specifically remember how easy it was in high school to have an idea and i would carry a journal around with me so i could write down ideas for my story, places, events, character names, the workings out of what i was writing currently but not satisfied and then i would try to work through them when i had the time, but i remember how easy it was to sit down and write and be at peace while i was doing so. how in high school i had nothing to worry about and i could do what i wanted.
i think that is it, that the reason i feel so discombobulated lately is that i am not at peace with myself. i am at peace with God, goodness, i know that God is there for me and in fact i am going to post "Footprints in the Sand" because i love that poem; it speaks to me, specifically right now as i struggle with making my faith my own and going against the tide of tradition in my family that i am the 6th generation Church of Christ-er and well, it seems that as i grow older i see my brothers and how well we get along and specifically the fact that the twins (they are 13) want to so much be like me because i find them secretly watching the History Channel and then telling me about it later when i come home for break. as i sit here and think that yes, i have found peace with God and peace in my salvation, yet my parents are putting all this guilt trip on me and i think about my brothers because i want them to understand and i want them to know what i know; yet, i don't know if Kurtis will because he doesn't like to read nor does he really care. the twins might. i know that God has a plan and i am a leader. i remember when i was baptized the youth minister came and sat beside me as i sat on the front pew and he put his arm around me and said: "i am so proud of you. you can lead the way for the other teens." then he stood up there and was talking about how he had known me for awhile and that i confessed and was going to put on the name of the lord Jesus Christ in baptism. i remember thinking that this was it, i had done it. but i look back on what inspired me to be baptized was saturday evening was going to bed and listening to Dire Straits and the last song on their Greatest Hits albumn, "Brothers in Arms" and as i lay there and listened to me i realized that i did not want the futility of death or whatever the song was talking about. i can't remember now but i do know that it inspired me and i was convinced that i was going to be baptized sunday morning no matter what. and i was, the water was cold and the preacher lied, he told me it was warm (i wonder if that is the same practice that the Catholic priests use to keep people from questioning their faith--the priest can lie if the truth will turn someone from their faith, the reason why the Catholic church denies indulgences to this day) but i was baptized and went commando the rest of the service while everyone was "welcoming me into the family."
looking back now i find things that are/were comical about it but the point that i was making and this both terrifies me and give me peace is: i am a leader. i am good at getting people to follow me and persuade them to my argument. so i see this as a blessing because i can lead the way to the truth for my brothers and for my family. however, i am terrified because i really don't know the direction that i am to be taking and i do not know exactly where this is going to lead and the uncertainty terrifies me.
however, what i was saying about high school is true that i cannot wait to graduate and be able to persue what i want to persue and do what i want to do and not have to worry about anything. yes, there will be bills to pay and work to get done but as long as i have a job i know that i will have money to pay the bills and i just want to time to do what i want to do; the time to sort things out and the time to read and just relax. the more i think about getting a job at CVS or Vanderbilt Hospital pharmacy, the nicer i think that it will be. i will make money and be able to go to graduate school but i will also be able to write and read and learn while i make money to pay the bills. plus, if i really want to, i can become a workaholic to make extra money to save and invest and build a nest egg that i cna teach on. i really am excited about this because then i can finally be on my own and free to do what i want. would i like to date? of course, but i see that God will work things out the way they are intended to be and honestly, we'll see what happenes. i need to just simply go about my daily duties and God will provide he always has and always will. when i was five or six he even provided snow in the shadow of our house in April because i prayed for it. he saved me from death being born 3 months premature because he had specific works laid out for me to do in advance and i sort of see what those works are.
here i am and i can't write and i think i have the most introspective post ever, but the most truthful introspective post into what is going on in my mind right now. do i feel any better? any more at peace? not really, but i can write about my life and my experience with God and that is exciting. i am going to go. sleep awaits, dreams await and the morrow will come.
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' 'How do you do?'
They're really saying 'I love you'
Louis Armstrong, What a Wonderful World
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