engaged, enraged, and excited!

First off, wow!! I'm engaged! I can't believe it!!! Yes, I finally asked "the question" on 21 November at probably around 1730ish. Its been an amazing journey so far as each day I think about the days ahead and how, thanks to God's grace, each day ahead is going to be better than the last!! God is simply amazing and more gracious and providing than we can ever ask for or imagine! Don't believe it? Just look at my fiance; she's awesome!! (Love yah babe!! :) )

Second, I'm enraged. I have been blogging, discussing with friends, and talking with colleagues how the "24/7" media cycle has created this constant cycle of "bleeding and leading" news that is wrapped in blaring, blasting, and glaring "discourse analysis." This discourse analysis is simply a fancy academic term for stereotyping, something, sadly, as those living in a fallen world, we are too familiar with. However, lately, my anger has been directed at the "discussions" and tolerance taking root within the church. This leads me to my third point... I'm excited!!!

I'm excited because my fiance (Beth) and I know that we have been called by our great and saving God to start a church and defend the truth of God's Doctrine and the doctrine of Truth through proclaiming Christ and His crucifixion. So, I'm excited! We've taken the first step that God has called us to and started an engaged couples bible study in Arlington, VA. So, every other Saturday beginning 24 January 2009 come on out, but and most importantly, PRAY for God's strength and success through us!!

Soli Deo Gloria!

--Kevin

"The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise..." Mark Twain

i believe that Twain's quote makes a great, insightful comment on the raw power of nature.

well, i am back again writing this morning because i probably have been harming my blood pressure. there is an editorial in today's New York Times that isn't surprising saying that "Bush gave one the worst speeches of his life yesterday" and his demeanor seemed "casual to the point of carelessness." this of course enraged me and so i started reading what other readers had to say about the whole ordeal, while looking for a way to post my comments. it is amazing to me those who are immediatly blaming Bush saying that it is his fault, that he should have evacuated New Orleans sooner.

finally i'm back!

well, i am finally back here typing my thoughts after a long break. i wonldn't necessarily call it a break because i have been busy doing other things, the main thing has been getting a job after i graduated from college. for those that don't know, i'll fill you in on the details:

i am working for Science Applications International Corporation (SAIC) as a National Security Policy Analyst working mainly arms control issues. my office located a few blocks southeast of the Pentagon, if you want to look it up on the map. i am living in Alexandria, and even in Friday rush hour traffic, it only takes me 20 mins to commute; it is really nice.

things are going well, i am learning a whole lot about arms control and other stuff and just enjoying being able to read and put thoughts together and already i see how my 6 weeks here have contributed to my understanding of political science and public policy and how already i can teach this stuff better. that is really exciting. i also have "the coolest stories" to quote a friend and it seems that i do, because last week i went to the Pentagon and got to meet everyone that i am going to be working with.

that is a quick update on what is going on with me. later!

graduation day

well, it is here! since this is my first post in a real long time, i really don't know what to say and i can update everyone on what had been going on for the past month or so: i have been busy getting ready to graduate!! and well, that day has arrived and i just got out of graduation practice and am just chilling for now, probably going to go to the hotel and read a book and just relax. i am excited about just getting out into the real world and figure out what i want to do with my life and make some money to just read books on what i want to do and do research and all that. it is going to be fun and interesting to be out of college. i'll let everyone know how it goes.

papa ratzi

well, Pope Benedict XVI is the former Cardinal Ratzinger who was the right hand man of the late Pope John Paul II. it will be interesting to see where Benedict leads the catholic church. from what i read on the news and elsewhere the far-reaching hand of John Paul II is gone and the great unifyer is no more. Ratzinger is THE theologian of the Catholic church and he sees that it is his mission to defend the orthodoxy of the Catholic church where it is threatened. so what that means, i am assuming, is that the progressives and the moderates in Europe and America are rolling their eyes because the supposed dreams of reforms are vanquished while Benedict XVI is ruling (i was going to say "on the throne" and maybe that is only fitting because to me hearing the name Benedict revokes memories of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, the name Benedict just doesn't seem to be a modern, 21st century title for a Pope, yet alas, it is.)

also about the name, from what i hear Benedict XV was a moderate Pope and yet maybe Ratzi is trying to fool all those that he is going to be a moderate yet in reality he sees his mission as to defend the orthodoxy. sounds pretty conservative to me, yet, i think that he would make a good interum Pope until they find one that wants to take on the challenge of reforming the doctrine of the Catholic church. as a protestant it shall be interesting to watch! (by the way, click here to see where i got the title of the post)

why georgia? why?

ok, so its the title of the John Mayer song that i am currently listening too, but i thought that it would make a great title, since part of this post is indeed going out to georgia.

i want to take a few moments to comment on the growing animocity between Christians these days. i think that the advice that a friend gave me in an email was the best advice for the current situation that me and friends find ourselves in. he said: "I miss just hanging out ... I also think that it would be good to just leave all of that behind, much the same way you leave your thesis behind ... lets talk about everything else too." i think that part of the conflict that i am having with my parents is that i do kinda sorta bring it upon myself.

i was reading corinthians this morning, 2 Cor 10 to be exact and this verse struck me:

2 Corinthians 10: 7&12
Look at what is before your eyes. If anyone is confident that he is Christ's, let him remind himself that just as he is Christ's, so also are we. ... Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves with one another, they are without understanding.

we, as christians, are to give God the glory in everything that we do and i know that i am guilty of this, of bickering over the details and worrying over the details, but i feel that from these verses in Corinthians that Paul is telling the Corinthians and other Christians to not boast and not to argue among one another because when we do, we are "without understanding." this life is about walking with God and bringing Him the glory! Paul says in Romans 11:34: "For who has known the mind of the Lord" we do not have God's wisdom because we are human; it is through faith in Christ that the peace of grace and the wisdom of God is given to those who believe. i pray that we all try to live as Christians, supporting and uplifting one another, not trying to tear each other down over the "correctness" of our belief over thiers.

"DeLay"gate

sorry but this just broke on drudgereport.com referencing articles that are from the NYTimes and the Washington Post. i think that the stories are obvious and well from my scanning the articles this evening, DeLay needs to go. he needs to do his best Nixon impression and "pull the pin" there are other Republicans in the house that are capable of being the majority leader. besides... looks like he has plenty of friends around the world that are able to support him. the only question is: Did the payments from the Russians affect the policy that he was steering through the House? the truth remains to be seen.

i'm not being lazy

i'm not being lazy really, there just hasn't been anything that i wanted to write about and i haven't really felt like writing. i have been busy working on papers and in fact i am currently writing an english paper comparing/contrasting the roles and view of women by two of the authors we have studied this semester. i was thinking about using Hemingway and contrast his view to Glaspell but i think that that would be a little bit unfair because Hemingway's view of women in general was in such sharp contrast to those who were writing around him. i think Glaspell and Porter or Cather would be better because they are all women writing about women or having women tell an important aspect about the story.

i've been sick lately, with the 24hour punnies and am feeling better today. just realizing that the semester is coming to an end and i have a lot to do until it does. we shall see and it shall be exciting. 32 days 'ril graduation! yay!!

heads carolina, tails california

i was just sitting here putting the finishing touches on my blog here since i moved over yesterday and i was thinking about something that i just forgot... :) the sun is shining brightly and it is simply gorgeous, mid 70s with a slight breeze perfect golf weather and also perfect book reading weather, which is going to be my task!

now just let me point out that some might read this and think that i am depressed or anxious about things and i do feel that at a point however right now. this moment. today. i feel content and excited about things coming up and am energetic about life. its a great feeling considering the past two weeks. i am content.

ah yes, i just remembered: i would like to either go to carolina (either) or california than sit either here or outside and read a book because the book that i am reading is not for fun, its for my senior thesis! but with a gorgeous day, listening to jo dee messina and just feeling good and relaxed, i know that nothing could be better right now. life is good even if it is just busy. i can't wait to be making money so i can travel and see the country and the world and if it is meant to be, find that girl that would just rock my world and we would have a great time together, yet as i was talking to a friend today, i realized that i am pretty much fed-up with the majority of the girls/women here on campus because they are just all prissy and striving to be popular but the really cool ones are hard to find and hardly non-existant here at school. the students at lipscomb are so immature and all concerned with popularity and how their hair looks and it really just saddens me. people here seem to have missed the point of college life--in the long run its about friends, not about self.

Fed-up

thought that i would make the title of this entry the ole joke: "Did you hear that Fed-Ex and UPS merged? Yep. The new company is called Fed-up!

i checked on my camera today that i got for graduation and my birthday and it is in transit on the ground and supposedly according to UPS it is "on-time." whatever that means. but unless the truck gets a flat or something (heaven forbid) i should be the proud owner of a new digital camera on Thursday! then i will be able to have a lot of fun and have lots of pictures. i can't wait!

well, i have a squirt gun sitting on my desk and i have been in my room for hours even though it was a gorgeous day outside today; i stayed in. i think that i am going to have some fun with a squirt gun.

moving over

i am finally moving over i guess. i recently just started a journal on at livejournal and i found that blogspot was a lot more powerful and professional looking. so i am here to stay.

as i sit here in the library i am working on getting all of this up and running and the funny thing is that the computer library catalogue is down. what fun.

a new day

well, it is a new day that the grace of God has given us. i am sitting here drinking coffee waiting for the magic time where i have to go to work and make a little extra money here on campus by answering the stupid questions that are asked of me just because i sit behind a desk in the library by people who i know are not freshmen. i understand that freshmen need to know how things work, however, there is also a way to figure out the library by yourself; it is the most efficient for all involved.

Eine kleiner Journal Schreiben

Für die Klage zu erwähnen, dass meine Journalezugänge nie kurz sind, schließe ich dieses kurze ein gerechtes für Spaß mitein. Genießen Sie!
For the complaint of mentioning that my journal entries are never short, I am including this short one just for fun. Enjoy!!

is it Easter?

it is funny and yes, i am a little jealous that everyone who has a normal job is able to work during the week so they can 1.) relax on saturday and 2.) go to church on Sunday, especially this sunday since it is Easter. the traditional "yearly" celebration of the resurrection of my/our Lord jesus christ. yet i have to work and unfortunately i am not able to participate AND since i went to bed at 9pm and woke up around 745am, i have to work all day. i wanted to get up around 4am and work so i could possibly go to late service but definitely lunch at a friend's house. but that didn't happen.

so here i sit at vanderbilt in the basement of the medical center with a hat and glasses reading policy updates to complete my training for the year so i can get my 3-5% raise affective June 2005. yay! however, i was reading the information about how the pope could not speak at sunday's Easter Mass and then i read this article about how a bishop in the church of england is calling for Prince Charles to apologize. the statement i found interesting was this one: "but the Church of England - of which Charles will be supreme governor when he is king - has qualms about remarriage for divorcees."

how funny because that is the whole reason that the Church of england was founded--because Henry VIII could not get a divorce from the pope, so he officially separated the Catholic church in england from the universal Catholic Church and started the Church of England so he could get a divorce since his wife wasn't having boys (which, i think, further adds to the lunacy because it wasn't even the wife's fault she wasn't having boys!! Henry should have divorced himself!) however, i do find that funny that the Church doesn't want to marry Prince Charles and Parker Bowles. well, those are my thoughts for easter right now.

"Liberty cannot be preserved without general knowledge among the people." John Adams, Aug. 1765

well, i am back for a brief respite from a class this morning and decided that i would type this little post to update everyone on everything that has been going on.

i talked to a professor this morning and it was so peaceful and comforting to listen to a friend who has been in the same situation that i have been in, but he finds peace in his beliefs and he had a good point: we have freedom in Christ. Not this freedom to do what we want, but because we are in Christ our whole purpose is to be like Christ and as Christ walked on the earth, his mission was to bring Glory to the father (especially in the double meaning that John uses). But we as humans following Christ are to bring glory to the father and we have the freedom in Christ to bring glory to the father in the best manner that we see fit. i truly believe God is God. through the Bible and through history God has used men (women included) who He called to accomplish His will and His purpose. if one of the churches was not bringing honor to the father, then i believe that God would have not allowed a particular church to continue to exist. sadly, the OT is about God destroying people who were not honoring Him because He is a just God.

i find peace in this fact because the Bible does not lay out how we are to worship just to glorify the father. i find peace at the church that i am currently worshiping at because it is a community and emphasizes the covenant that we have with God through Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and most importantly--Christ, whose resurrection we celebrated showing that Christ truly was God and just as he was raised to live again with God, so shall those that believe Christ to be their Savior. that gives me peace and allows me to sleep at night even though knowing that my parents are worried that i am believing things that are "dangerous" and i find that laughable. stressful, yes. but not disheartening. i simply pray and study.

a cool quote

For I am quite convinced that truth does not die in the church, even though it be oppressed by one council, but is wonderfully preserved by the Lord so that it may rise up and triumph again in its own time. But I deny it to be always the case that an interpretation of Scripture adopted by vote of a council is true and certain.

John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, Vol. 2, p. 1177.

"You don't go to people with your problems. You come to your friends." MacGyver

yep! i thought that i would include that quote in this journal article because for my birthday i recieved the first-season DVD set of MacGyver and have watched a couple of the episodes. what memories from childhood and from what i know today the science is pretty right and correct and that excites me. i want to make a list and really research the way it is supposed to work.

i am back at school in nashville after having a relaxing and interesting spring break it was great to see the family and be at home where i could relax. i am not looking forward to living in the dorm again because i am ready to be in my own apartment. we shall see what happens. i really want a job that i can enjoy and make money at and succeed one that pumps me up and gives me a sense of accomplishment at least while i get my M.Ed. so i can teach and work on getting my PhD for history and all. well, i need to go finish work.

listening and wondering

so i am sitting here on my last night being 21 and in about 34 mins i am going to turn 22. wow! i am old. i am just praying that all of this with my parents works out and that they will understand. i am going to pray about it. i am listening to FOX News about the Terri Shaivo case and i must admit that i am puzzled by the whole thing and torn by what to do. i simply don't know and all i can do is pray. whether FOX is the right place to hear this, that can be argued, but i must tell you that this is the first time i have watched more than an hour of the news since probably the election and all. well, i am rambling so i am going to go get some sleep and become 22. the carriage is about to become a pumpkin!

"Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen."

This is by no means a full and accurate account of what transpired today with my parents about me questioning my faith and attending for the time being a Presbyterian church. However, I did feel like Luther before the Diet of Worms as portrayed in the recent movie Luther because I was not able to get a word in on my defense or on my behalf. When I was the "inquisition" simply laughed and scoffed at my appeal and reason and logic, saying that I was trying reading the Bible intellectually and putting my mind and reason over what the word says. I tried to respond that that is not what I was doing and was simply reading the Bible as well, but alas to no avail. So, here it is:

Well, I had “the talk” with my parents today and it was really, really interesting. I know one thing is that I am not able to “speak grace graciously” and I pray that I can have that capability sooner rather than later; however, the two things that stick out in my conversation with my parents was the fact that 1. they believe that I am treading on “dangerous ground” with the things that I am questioning and that because of that I am going to loose my salvation and that why would I want to raise my kids up in a place that doesn’t believe in the essential of baptism for salvation because the Bible says so. That was the major point that we argued over whether baptism is necessary for salvation or not. I tried to explain my side of it and all the things that I have perceived over the years growing up in the Church of Christ; they simply didn’t want to hear of it and talked of scripture and brought up analogy and when I tried to bring in Paul’s letter to the Romans, Dad countered with the fact that the letter to the Romans was written to Romans who were not Jews and who were not as “mature in their faith.” Dad also quoted that passage that “faith without works is dead” and I tried to talk about that if we are dead to sin then we are not going to want to live in sin anymore and instead of being slaves to sin we are going to be slaves to righteousness. The second thing that stuck out is that when I informed them of my struggle with pornography then they said that was good but they “wanted me to know something” that if I thought that I had hidden that from them then I was mistaken because they knew about it. Yet, I tried to explain that that is what I was talking about that now I had given it up because it is Christ who lives in me and turns me from my nature of sin and my fallen state and allows me to pursue His will for me. Mom was concerned that I was a believer in predestination, Dad thinks that I have something against the Church of Christ so I am trying hard to believe the Presbyterians and leave the “truth” and also that I am approaching the Bible from an intellectual point of view and that they were worried that I went to Lipscomb and that the “intellectual” ideas caught up with me, but the reason that they let me go to Lipscomb was because they believed that I was strong in my faith. However, I guess the icing on the cake was the fact that they said that since I am hanging out with Jan and Kara more, then I am being influenced by them and since they are there for me then I get to hear their side of it and I am being pulled into their way of thinking. That is the main reason that Dad and Mom didn’t want me to go to Prague this summer because they don’t want me spending a whole summer with Jan, especially because Jan’s parents aren’t married. Mom said that I now think that it is OK to not be married simply because I visited for two weeks a friend whose parents happen to not be married. How funny!

uggg!! i just can't seem to write

so i have been sitting here for over an hour trying to find something to write, read something to inspire me and get a creative thought yet nothing seems to work; i don't seem to have the... desire isn't the correct word, i don't have the thoughts to write or write well. i don't seem to be in a creative spirit and probably because i have been thinking all day about my senior thesis and how much i want to get done on it over spring break that starts (for me) tomorrow around 1030 and i think that maybe my brain is just rebelling against writing and doesn't want to do it because i am forcing it too.

lately, i have been sitting here thinking about how nice it was when i was in high school and writing was a stress relief for me; i would sit down at the computer mostly on Friday nights around 11pm or so and would just write whatever i was thinking about for an hour but at the most it was two hours, i would look up and two hours would have gone by and i would bemoan the fact that i had to work at 9am in the morning so i needed to go to bed and therefore i would save my work (about a page or two of creation) and then crawl under the covers and wake up seven hours later to get ready for making money at the CVS/pharmacy two mins away. i specifically remember how easy it was in high school to have an idea and i would carry a journal around with me so i could write down ideas for my story, places, events, character names, the workings out of what i was writing currently but not satisfied and then i would try to work through them when i had the time, but i remember how easy it was to sit down and write and be at peace while i was doing so. how in high school i had nothing to worry about and i could do what i wanted.

i think that is it, that the reason i feel so discombobulated lately is that i am not at peace with myself. i am at peace with God, goodness, i know that God is there for me and in fact i am going to post "Footprints in the Sand" because i love that poem; it speaks to me, specifically right now as i struggle with making my faith my own and going against the tide of tradition in my family that i am the 6th generation Church of Christ-er and well, it seems that as i grow older i see my brothers and how well we get along and specifically the fact that the twins (they are 13) want to so much be like me because i find them secretly watching the History Channel and then telling me about it later when i come home for break. as i sit here and think that yes, i have found peace with God and peace in my salvation, yet my parents are putting all this guilt trip on me and i think about my brothers because i want them to understand and i want them to know what i know; yet, i don't know if Kurtis will because he doesn't like to read nor does he really care. the twins might. i know that God has a plan and i am a leader. i remember when i was baptized the youth minister came and sat beside me as i sat on the front pew and he put his arm around me and said: "i am so proud of you. you can lead the way for the other teens." then he stood up there and was talking about how he had known me for awhile and that i confessed and was going to put on the name of the lord Jesus Christ in baptism. i remember thinking that this was it, i had done it. but i look back on what inspired me to be baptized was saturday evening was going to bed and listening to Dire Straits and the last song on their Greatest Hits albumn, "Brothers in Arms" and as i lay there and listened to me i realized that i did not want the futility of death or whatever the song was talking about. i can't remember now but i do know that it inspired me and i was convinced that i was going to be baptized sunday morning no matter what. and i was, the water was cold and the preacher lied, he told me it was warm (i wonder if that is the same practice that the Catholic priests use to keep people from questioning their faith--the priest can lie if the truth will turn someone from their faith, the reason why the Catholic church denies indulgences to this day) but i was baptized and went commando the rest of the service while everyone was "welcoming me into the family."

looking back now i find things that are/were comical about it but the point that i was making and this both terrifies me and give me peace is: i am a leader. i am good at getting people to follow me and persuade them to my argument. so i see this as a blessing because i can lead the way to the truth for my brothers and for my family. however, i am terrified because i really don't know the direction that i am to be taking and i do not know exactly where this is going to lead and the uncertainty terrifies me.

however, what i was saying about high school is true that i cannot wait to graduate and be able to persue what i want to persue and do what i want to do and not have to worry about anything. yes, there will be bills to pay and work to get done but as long as i have a job i know that i will have money to pay the bills and i just want to time to do what i want to do; the time to sort things out and the time to read and just relax. the more i think about getting a job at CVS or Vanderbilt Hospital pharmacy, the nicer i think that it will be. i will make money and be able to go to graduate school but i will also be able to write and read and learn while i make money to pay the bills. plus, if i really want to, i can become a workaholic to make extra money to save and invest and build a nest egg that i cna teach on. i really am excited about this because then i can finally be on my own and free to do what i want. would i like to date? of course, but i see that God will work things out the way they are intended to be and honestly, we'll see what happenes. i need to just simply go about my daily duties and God will provide he always has and always will. when i was five or six he even provided snow in the shadow of our house in April because i prayed for it. he saved me from death being born 3 months premature because he had specific works laid out for me to do in advance and i sort of see what those works are.

here i am and i can't write and i think i have the most introspective post ever, but the most truthful introspective post into what is going on in my mind right now. do i feel any better? any more at peace? not really, but i can write about my life and my experience with God and that is exciting. i am going to go. sleep awaits, dreams await and the morrow will come.

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people going by

I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' 'How do you do?'

They're really saying 'I love you'

Louis Armstrong, What a Wonderful World

take me out to the (steroid free) ball game

so i am sitting here watching CBS' webfeed of the steroid hearing in baseball at Congress and it is frustrating at times because it jumps and it has to reload and "buffer" but hey! its technology and i am taking advantage of it. so here i am hearing McGuire's testimony (not really but his answers to the questions) and well, let me just say that i think that he (McGuire) is on the hotseat. from my personal opinion i think that through the whole thing he is lying. there have been some questions directed at him that ask why he knows what he knows about steroids. he has declined to answer under attorney's advice and he says that he is "not here to talk about the past" and wants to talk about the future and turn the negative into positive. one of the panelist made the point that in order to talk about the future they have to understand what went on in the past to understand it. Congress has to learn from the past; McGuire didn't answer. i think that it is fishy and want to know what McGuire knows and why he knows it. yet watching this whole thing unfold today i wonder why congress is getting involved because i see two issues: 1. are they getting involved because lives are at risk and children are being influenced? 2. what does congress really expect to do? i guess that we should have to wait and see what happens and see what MLB does about it.

"Happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind."

well, i am sitting in the library again this morning and once again have been not doing the reading that i need to be doing, instead i have been reading Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca which i had to read in high school my sophomore year and thoroughly enjoyed it because it was good and suspenceful; simply a good, entertaining mystery. so this morning i was putting a book away that needed to be shelved and this was sitting on the shelf. i grabbed it and started reading it again and am already on page 76. The quote above is from page 6 and well, i put that in there because i happen to agree. Anyone can be happy if they want to be regardless of their surroundings and/or circumstances. i think that that is something to strive for and agree with.

going to get back to my reading and try to do some writing on my lovely senior thesis paper. we shall see what becomes of the morning. i think and am hopeful that it will be a productive one.

studying is over-rated

so here i am sitting here for about an hour after getting back from church (i went to Covenant Presbyterian tonight and it was amazing!) but i have been sitting here and for half an hour i was talking to my friend about our experience with Covenant and how blessed we are to have a church were the people genuinely care about God and you can feel that in the presence and the community, the lessons speak to us every time that we go and that we are, for the first time in a long time, sad when we are not able to attend church there. we miss it and that is something that do not particularly remember feeling in a long time, expecially in the past 6 months or so. at least not having this desire and this sadness when i cannot go or being completely fulfilled because i do go to church. i have enjoyed it before but something was always missing.

however the lesson tonight was on Romans 11:1-10 and how that God is not going to abandon his people, meaning to me that people that are chosen by God to be in a Covenant relationship with him are never going to loose their salvation--God will not abondon them. it was a great lesson and very peaceful and wonderful.

other than that, again i have to work at the library in the morning, but that should be good productive time on my senior thesis and relaxing since the lady that i don't get a long with is not there in the mornings. it will be more relaxed and hopefully a good time will be had by all. just all day today i have not felt like doing anything. i go to class because the classes are interesting but i do not feel like doing any research or writitng and i don't seem to have the spark that is needed for good writing. i am not "juiced up" like i was a few days ago. yes, part of that is probably from the fact that my coffee intake has been lower than normal these past weeks. i just feel that lately studying is over-rated.

the futility of life in self

well, i just finished reading Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants" and i am amazed. it was amazing to me how he could write such a long time and really say nothing at all. now i know that that is not true and probably why i am not good at literature is that i am not good at picking out the details within the literature and the subtletees of it. i can analyze history because it is easy and interesting to do so and delve into the details of what is known and what is not known, go on a quest to find more information or see how a piece of seemingly unrealted could have influenced events. i do like Hemingway because his story, "The Snows of Kilimanjaro" shows the cruelty of nature and the futility of modern man within the realistic descriptive prose. that story is realistic, as is "Hills" but "Snows" just shows human nature so well; it is hard to describe.

other than that, i have been really bored lately. i am talking to a friend and i was telling her that it just seems that i have no goal to attain; nothing to strive towards right now. oh well. there is always tomorrow and one can always wish... i know that life will work out somehow. "God help me. Amen."

"The greatest university of all is the collection of books." Thomas Carlyle

now i must admit the Carlyle quote in the subject was something that i did look up and nothing that i have just read recently. i was looking for a quote to go along with the fact that i am currently sitting in the library -- the placid.. yada yada yada place (see yesterday's post) and that post came up so i decided that i would use it and then always have it as something to remember maybe even one day when i look back and am bored so i see this great, insightful quote by the scottish philosopher and i think "hmm... i should read Carlyle." and then i do and my life is changed. well, i better get working on my senior thesis atleast for a little bit since i did not do any of it yesterday and need to do some more reading with all the free time that i have here in the library.

Deutschland? ... Ich weiss das Land nicht zu finden.

the subject is a line taken from the introduction to a german history book, meaning roughly: "Germany? ... I don't know know where to find the land." the author of the book uses this statement to point out the fact that the word for the german nation-state that we look at on a map today and say "that is germany" has the most unusual origins of a name. rather than being the name of a specific set of territories and boundaries that enclose a certain area; the word for the german state comes from the one common language the people speak--deutsch. so it is the land of the people that all speak deutsch. very neat. so, yes, the quote is write accurate in that that person does not know how to find the land because through history the land of the german speaking people has been defined as kleindeutsche by Bismark and as grossdeuthsche by Hitler.

i found that statement interesting and its explaination even more fascinating. i am not a german language or even purely german history student although being a student of the Cold War a lot of the problems could be traced back to german history is an historian was patient enough. yet, i find the quote interesting in that that seems to be my human quest right now -- the search for the truth and answers. those that are Christians would say "trust in God and find the answers." i do. yet, i feel that i am, as a human, searching for the answers to life's most many questions and right now i am searching for the Godly wisdom that comes from the future to point me in the direction that i need to go and also give me wisdom and peace and endurrance and strength to persevere through the stress of being a graduating senior. i feel that at times i have found the answer (in life, not in religion--i mean that as a human i seem to find that answer in reason and logic and yet that conflicts with my faith that God's providence will prevail and God's plan that he knew before the creation of the world will manifest itself and see me through the darkest valley.) i believe that i really, honestly do; yet, humanly i wonder and i try to make sense of it all and figure it out on my own. i know that i can't, so i trust. yet right now the unceratinty of finding where i am going to be after i graduate and also the stress of the friction between my parents and i makes "finding the answer" a little tougher because i want to resolve the tension and the unease that is between us. that is the land which i am not finding right now, the common ground between us and two we don't have a common theological language because they believe (as the Romans did) that i am a barbarian--one who doesn't speak the language or in the realm of faith, have the same beliefs. this conflict tears me apart. i pray that God will use this for his good (as he already has) and that His will will be done (which i know it will).
so again the serious side of me comes out after having a long discussion about this with a friend of mine who he says we see eye to eye. i feel that we do, yet i feel that what is best for me right now is that i pursue my own faith that i have found and that faith is leading me to Covenant and may God bless my journey and my experience there. "to go against conscience is neither right nor safe."

"The marvellous thing is that it's painless" - Hemingway

oh my goodness! around 8pm or so i got out of a phi alpha theta meeting (which i am president of this year) and it was amazing. a professor here at school told her story about growing up under Hitler in world war 2. she was a little girl born in 1939 and she recounted her memories of fleeing from the russians from silesia, poland into prague, czech republic and then back home to silesia. afterwards she became a good communist and finally in 1958 moved to west germany and then in 1962 i believe, she came to the united states. it was amazing and yes, it is a truism that the innocent always suffer because of war. she was an innocent and my how she suffered through the course of the war. what a remarkable story and it is something that i will treasure always, espcially being a history nerd and will use it to judge my own perceptions of todays world. she is so thankful to the united states and yes, i agree; she holds the opinon that we fight then war then we do good. she remembers getting C.A.R.E. packages into soviet occupied poland as late as probably winter of 1946/47 and is very very thankful for the americans for that. as she put it: "throwing up worms with peanut butter is better than just worms."

other than that my evening has been really busy. had an academic cmte mtg this evening then a student government association meeting right after that, from which i had to leave early to prepare for the phi alpha theta speaker tonight. since i got back to the room i have done nothing even though i know there is so much to do, the hope of working on my senior thesis is gone really as i want to make more coffee and then go to sleep and i just justify the fact that i will not work on the senior thesis on the fact that i can always do it tomorrow during the 3.5 hours that i work in the placid amicable and boring quiet of the library in the morning. the job isn't that bad just that i have no access to the liquid fuel that keeps me going during the day and has become--once again--such a staple to my diet this past week. once again, just wishing about a lot of things. life school and romance seem to top the list and those three seem to encompass everything else. maybe Hemingway is right. about what. i don't know.

coffee

why coffee you may ask? well as i was sitting down to update my journal today, i wanted coffee. so i took the leftovers from this morning and nuked'em. its good and its coffee and i get all excited about coffee these days. so i sat down to type out my day and nothing is coming to mind. i took Jan to a walk-in clinic today (he doesn't have a car) and found out that he has recuring strep and not mono like we thought! (i know his gf was thrilled!) but other than that i just have meetings from 5pm until probably about 9pm and today i am actually excited about working on my senior thesis so well, i can still do some of that tonight--i hope...

a good monday

i guess it is a good monday. i skipped chapel again today and well only have 3 left but oh well, i needed to finish reading Hemingway and really didn't feel like going. i am still contemplative and feel more contemplative than i have before. i feel more perceptive today and more relaxed and energized. maybe it is the coffee, i don't know but i like this feeling and am wondering why i have it? its a peace but not a peace because life is crazy and confusing right now, but it seems that its just maybe acceptance? however, i feel like today i could get a lot or work done on my paper and other things that i need to do and i like that feeling, i feel ready to take on the week and wish that i could make money doing it. i don't know, i'll try to flesh this out through the day and we'll see what happens. i want to say that i am almost excited about what... i don't know. i just feel perceiving today and want to put it to use.

wishing

i wish that i could sleep and i am tired yet i just cannot sleep because i sit here and think about all the things that i need to do before tomorrow, especially the Hemingway that i need to read for my american lit class yet i know that i can get it done in the morning and that is why i am justifying going to bed because if i go to bed i can get up earlier and read. i sit here and wonder and i wish that i could graduate sooner. wish that the weight of a paper would be off and i would be living my own life and not trying to break away from my past (not in a bad way) i just wish that i had a job and could make my own money and do my own things. i also wish that i can go to Prague this summer before i start working for the rest of my life. i think and analyze. with that i am going to try to do what my eyes are telling me to do--rest. perhaps i'll awake at some odd hour like this morning and want to start the day. we shall see. tomorrow will tell and until then i can still wish.